100 Funny Sayings, Quotes, and Phrases

100 Funny Sayings, Quotes, and Phrases


Enjoy. I hope these may brighten up someone's day!😅


  • It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.


  • "The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not." —Mark Twain


  • The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.


  • "One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." —George W. Bush


  • Always remember: you're unique, just like everyone else.


  • The road to success is always under construction.


  • Where there is a "will," there are 500 relatives.


  • Wear short sleeves. Support your right to bare arms!


  • When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.


  • Join The Army. Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.


  • I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.


  • Death is hereditary.


  • When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.


  • Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.


  • If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.


  • Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.


  • I stopped fighting my inner demons, we're on the same side now.


  • Well-behaved women rarely make history.


  • I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.


  • He who laughs last, didn't get it.


  • We live in an age where pizza gets to your home before the police.


  • I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.


  • Cheese. . . milk's leap towards immortality.


  • You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax. Tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.


  • He's so optimistic he'd buy a burial suit with two pairs of pants.


  • Half of the people in the world are below average.


  • I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.


  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.


  • It is not my fault that I never learned to accept responsibility!


  • Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "Y" becomes silent.


  • Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didnt.


  • USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.


  • Constipated people don't give a crap.


  • Why does a slight tax increase cost you $ 200 and a substantial tax cut save you 30 cents?


  • My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.


  • Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.


  • A word to the wise ain considered necessary, it is the stupid ones who need all the advice.


  • Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.


  • Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.


  • Ham and eggs — a day's work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a pig.


  • I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.


  • When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing.


  • You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.


  • If you took live without me, why did you die yet?


  • Criticism like to help you out. Which way did you come in?


  • If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.


  • You couldn't get a clue during the clue-mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.


  • It is a damned poor mind indeed that can't think of at least two ways of spelling any word.


  • In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on.


  • Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.


  • Horse sense is a good judgment which keeps horses from betting on people.


  • I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.


  • Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, age don't matter.


  • Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.


  • Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon.


  • The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.


  • Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?


  • I suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.


  • I get enough exercise pushing my luck.


  • Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.


  • I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. . . not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.


  • We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.


  • The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.


  • Speaking just jealous because the voices only talk to me.


  • I got a gun for my wife — best trade ever ever made.


  • Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.


  • To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.


  • Beauty is a light switch away. . .


  • The evening news is where they start by saying "good evening," and proceed by telling you why it's not.


  • There are three kinds of people in this world.

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